Safety instructions

The steward seriously missed his calling. The man was a stand-up comedian, and a dang fine one at that. I haven't laughed so hard in ages. That whole safety thing you have to suffer through every time? He turned it into a comedy routine: “Please pretend to pay attention while we explain the safety features of this Boeing 737. I know, I can't believe it either, but there's a safety card in the seat pocket in front of you. No one ever reads it, so I'm not going to even bother asking you to. At this time, you should have your seatbelts on, your tray tables up, and your seats in their upright and most uncomfortable position. This is a no complaining, no whining, no smoking flight. If you absolutely must smoke, I suggest you avail yourself of our smoking area out on the wing...that is, if you can manage to get it lit. While you're out there, feel free to enjoy our inflight movie, Gone With The Wind. We don't expect a loss of cabin pressure today. If we did, the three of us would have called in sick. But if we do lose pressure, masks will automatically fall from the ceiling. After you're done screaming, simply put the mask on and breath normally, like this: [Darth Vader Imitation]. Please put your own mask on before helping your children...or those who are acting like children, such as your husband. Now, since we've been cleared for take-off, I'd like to ask you to lean over and please press your face against the window so that all those other bankrupt airlines can see that we have a full flight. Neener, neener! And thank you for flying Southwest today. Remember, no one loves you, or your money more than Southwest!"

[Found at: Signal vs. Noise]

Jeroen Sangers @jeroensangers